Today is a snow day…well, a snow delay.  The girls got to sleep in, wake ME up, enjoy a leisurely breakfast, and then play in the snow before the bus came.  It was a great start to their day – aside from Brooke having a last minute freak-out about her snow boots.

When I came back home, I felt like I was actually able to be productive, and happy doing it.  I cleaned the neglected kitchen, did the dishes, and even started planning out a blog post in my head.

Then it hit me.  That wall that I’ve been running up against for the past few weeks.  As I surveyed all that I “need” to get done – in my house, in my business, in my life – I became overwhelmed & felt the pull to make a bowl of soup & watch Neflix until the girls got back.  Just waste the day & wallow.

I will say that I am utterly & completely blessed to be able stay home & not HAVE to work.  Yes, things are tight if I don’t work, but we would make it work.  My husband & I decided before we were even married that I would stay home when we had kids if at all possible.  And God made it possible.  And then He made it possible for me to have a creative outlet in raising my children AND in growing my photography business.  Blessed again!

But can I be honest with you?  This past school year & transition to the girls BOTH being at school has been difficult for me.  I have no direction, no motivation, and no desire.  I feel myself pulling away from shooting for myself, for fun, and only shooting for work.  Yes, I have it extremely easy.  I agree.  And yes, I have wasted way too much time.  I have overextended myself with volunteering at the elementary school, with MOPS at my church, with managing social media for the charity I go to Ethiopia with, and with just saying “yes” too much & not being a good steward of this amazing time God has given me.

Some people would say, “Well, what are you going to do now?  You have no one at home for hours.  Get a job?  Have another baby?  Go back to teaching?”  I can honestly say I do not know what I HAVE done!  I have, unfortunately, neglected the people who have helped me get this far – my family.

So how does one get out of this rut?  Besides a lot of prayer, I feel like I need a task master with a whip telling me what to do, making my schedule, keeping me on track!  And I have asked my husband (poor guy) to do that for me, and then lashed out at him for “telling me what to do!”  Grrr!

I am a business of one – me, myself & I.  I talk to Twitter & Facebook to have human-ish interaction.  It’s rare to have sessions during the winter, since I’m on location, so I’m not out & about a lot.  I am just feeling alone….sigh….  Being a photographer can be lonely.  Being a stay at home mom can be lonely.

What now?  You’ve read this far in this depressing post, filled with the juxtaposition of photos of happy children…so what’s the point?

Well, I really don’t know, except to be honest with you on how I’ve been feeling.  I usually share all the happy moments of a session, without showing you all the poop that flies during a newborn shoot, or the snotty noses & bratty attitudes that come out when I photograph children.  And I sure as heck don’t show you me, behind the camera, immensely imperfect.  So, I thought I’d just lay it all out there & let you know me, right now.

I’m sure in the future I’ll feel the happiness of spring again soon & post something more upbeat.  But for now, I’m a little blue.  A lot freezing.  And a tad overwhelmed.  However, writing this, and “talking” to you, whoever may be reading, has been great for my attitude already.  I feel like I’ve gotten these things off my chest, and I can move on.  As I did with my journal as an emotional middle school girl, I can one day reflect back on this entry & know I’ve grown & progressed…towards whatever God has for me.

Thanks for the listening ear!